I Am 9

A post that was supposed to have been published last July 9, 2013...

Today marks my ninth year of service with CCC-Southeast Asia and I’m here on my sickbed. Ideally, I would be in the office doing my routine, clerical job. There’s no day off given for anniversary for years of service. But I got sick with flu a few days ago and now I’m on my relapse. The flu vaccine that was supposed to shield me from getting sick made my sickness even more terrible. If I just heeded to my intuition that this will happen again, I shouldn’t have taken the shot. I’m actually better off without the flu vaccine.

I’m forced to rest for the past days, which gave me an extended time to read my e-books, listen to audio books and to spend time in prayer, while having to battle with constant joint pains and flu-aggravated back pain. For the longest time since my major lumbar disk injury, I haven’t been lying in bed this long.

I was already feeling okay yesterday… thanks to Bioflu. But since I was left with my two elderly parents who got sick with flu because of me and with my nephew, I was forced to do the dishes and cook meal. It’s hard to think of anything to prepare. There’s nothing in the refrigerator that is nourishing, strengthening nor satisfying. But I have to prepare something for supper because we haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. How could anyone get well when they are famished?

Last night was a terrible ordeal. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. My body has been itching in random areas. The itch is painful. The itch is biting and stinging. I thought it was just my shirt. So I changed clothes. It was not. I thought it was bed sheet. I removed. It was not. I tried to remedy the itch with ointment but still the itch persisted. I could have related with Job. I was crying to God that He would relieve me of the pain. But He did not. I was thinking, “Am I being tested to practice the joy in these trying times?”

My lumbar pain is aggravated all the more by my tossing and turning just to find comfort. I wasn’t able to go to sleep at all. My head is throbbing. My eyes are sore. My joints are painful. Hello, relapse!

I was trying to get to sleep but still the itch is unbearable. I’ve already bathed in warm water but I got no relief. So I might just as well not waste my waking time, I decided to write about my ninth. Not an encouraging introduction, you might say. But that’s just it.

The Bible and the Pilgrim’s Progress taught me and reminded me these past days that my joy is not to be found in this world. This world is full of toil, pain, suffering, discouragement and frustration.

Today… my ninth year of service is celebrated with sickness and with sick family members and with fried tofu for lunch. Have I any reason to be gloomy? No. As I’ve said, my hope lies not on this life. This world is passing away and all that is in it. My joy is in the Lord Jesus and I will rejoice that my name is written in the Book of Life.

Today, I’m in front of a fork in road. This is nothing new. My past nine years has been marked with several forks. I have a lot of things going on inside my mind. I am anxious about a lot of things. New team composition. New but far office. Negative monthly financial balance.

Today, I may choose to follow another path. 

Today, there’s a lot of “what if’s” again.

Today, I am 9. It could stay that way or it could become 10. Who knows?